Updated: Dec 5, 2019
I'm writing this in the middle of this immense pain in my gut, he broke up with me, he was apathetic...so easy, so calm, so polite. I hadn't even known it was coming because our relationship was cozy and warm. And then he casually broke up with me on a Tuesday morning, over the phone, it only took about 7 minutes from start to finish as I sat in my Prius at the Target parking lot. This was the very first time a man has broken up with me and the shock of it still haunts me today. It gives me chills pondering all the breakups happening all around the world and the aftermath of it all. I imagine tiny bombs imploding hearts and igniting hysteria. Now I am apart of this community of rejected humans.
"You're great but I think we should be friends," he said with the kindest voice I had ever heard him utter. How could I be upset at him? Never mind to the "I love you" I spilled to him moments before as a confession and truth, nevertheless he ended our relationship.
Now 3 months later I am finally making real efforts in moving on after he told me for the 5th or 6th time that he just wants to be friends. He definitely does not want to be with me, but instead I continued to "see" him, dragging out the inevitable, perhaps I thought that I could keep him in my life. And I was desperate to hold on to that connection, his smell, his kiss, his skin...
I once said to my ex-boyfriend while cuddled on his couch, that we found each other in the darkness, that without words or sight, we found one another. I once said to myself that our connection was so immense that there's no way I could ever give myself to anyone else. He once said to me he wanted to be with me everyday and each day after that. Were those thoughts and words real or fantasy? They were real in that moment and moments is all we actually have here in this life experience. A wise man, John Miguel Ruiz Jr., once said ALL relationships end, either by death or separation. Once we accept this then breakups wouldn't be so fable, it simply becomes apart of our life journey.
Over the past several years I've watched The Bachelor on ABC and yes, for many, this show is a mockery of romance and love but for me it is the highest form of entertainment and fantasy. I sigh at the idea of riding in a helicopter over a beautiful sunset or a picnic on a private island with the man my dreams. This show gave me ideas of what I could possibly have one day with him. The Bachelor also opened my eyes to the biggest lesson I learned from this breakup; delusion. For weeks any number of women will believe in their hearts that there is a real connection with the sought after bachelor, only to realize at the end of their own journey, he was in love with someone else all along. That's terrifying. We build our own realities, we create our own stories and sadly, we can be blindsided.
I remember waking up very late or very early with an overwhelming desire to make love to him, I literally couldn't go back to sleep because I was so horny. Sometimes I say his name aloud when I'm alone just to hear it murmured over the dead silence. It hurts. And it hurts. The pain. I let it consume me like the rush of butterflies I had when we first made love or that look you gave me that night in the bar, because pain is reality, maybe more real than the love I thought I had. I give into the pain.
I'm allowing my body to feel this factual emotion called pain and I'm embracing the rawness of it. I embrace the way it cannot be avoided, not even scrolling through Instagram or red wine or another man can cover it, it still lingers there in my body like the very blood pumping through my veins. The pain pulsates sometimes heavy and fierce, sometimes soft like a whisper on the good days.
It's a pleasure to suffer in the name of someone I had love for, someone who shared intense moments with me, someone who didn't shame me for blacking out naked in the bathroom, someone who held me all night until morning, someone whom I loved. I suffer this pain not in vain but because it was real and for that I write these thoughts in memory of our moments in time. RIP.