He Choked Me
At this time in my life I was homeless. I had been couch surfing for months and maintaining a job to buy gas, support my child and pay my cell phone bill. All the while I managed to also date in this horrifying juggle. There was a man which I will name "H", we met at a bar while I was out with some other friends, very unattractive but I liked his confidence. I didn't even know how to order a proper drink in my early twenties, so maybe I was sipping on a Long Island ice tea. After about an hour at the bar chatting and more drinks we went to a hotel where we had sex. I was a little confused the following morning as to what happened but I knew what did happen.
H and I had a conversation and argument about the sex that happened. I was upset at him for letting things go too far, in retrospect I was mad at myself. Despite my feelings of uncomfort of our first sexual encounter I continued to see H. Since I was homeless at that time, we spent most nights at his place where I was fed and sheltered. After weeks of on and off encounters and phone calls I became a little more familiar with H. I knew small bits and pieces about him, like he was much older than me, he had several children, he had a mysterious job that he couldn't tell me about and he had a temper. We never made it to relationship status, this was more a "situationship" that I kept very secret from all my friends.
One night I was staying at his house over the weekend and H had company. They were all playing cards while I stayed in his room the whole time. I didn't have permission to come out the room so I was obidiant. At sone point I came out of the room and said something to him or asked him a question and for reasons unknown to me, he found that to be disrespectful. He didn't confront me on the spot, instead it was later on that he busted into the room angrily and slammed me hard against the door. The pain was immediate and I remember feeling like I might die here in his shitty room. He screamed at me repeatedly telling me to never talk to him in front of his friends like that. When I tried to fight him off he started choking me. I will pause here to describe his stature, H was about 5'11", 290 lbs and very intimidating, I stood at 5'3", 130 lbs. While H choked me, I clearly remember my thoughts. I dared him to kill me, I didn't even fight him anymore, I thought of how I deserved every bit of this for being such a looser, fuck up. I was thinking of how this was exactly what happens to girls like me. When he finally let go of my neck, I dropped down to the floor surrendering, I hadn't even the energy to yell. I was lightheaded and in physical pain. He then scooped me up into a bear hug apologizing and kissing me repeatedly while tears were flowing down my face. I still felt nothing. Nothingness consumed every bit of me. And when I say nothing I mean that I had no emotions regarding what had just occurred. The tears that ran down my face must have been an uncontrolled bodily reaction to trauma because nothing inside me told me to run or be scared. I stayed with H that night.
It seems my whole life prepared me for that situation. I was already emotionally unavailable for a very long time. My childhood had not prepared me to have real human connections and I was so accustomed to anger that it didn't affect me. So this trauma meant nothing to me. After this experience I pushed that whole incident deep down and never brought it up to anyone.